Dear [Habitual] Drunk Driver

Dear [habitual] Drunk Driver,
By now, you’ve probably started wondering what that smell is. Let me tell you. You were cruising through the apartment complex, seconds from your place, and the call of nature beckoned. So, you stopped in the lane and got out of your car. I saw the internal battle you had. You are right handed but that hand was holding your beer. No way on Earth you’d entrust either sacred task to that other hand. No, you did what any man would do. You chugged that bad boy and gave it a good toss. Your aim was impeccable. In spite of ten cars being right there, you missed them all. You didn’t let the celebratory dance last too long, and that’s good, cause nature was screaming at you. I guess you were feeling a little shy, so you opened your car back up, leaned in, turned up the jams and rolled your window down. That was keen thinking. Wouldn’t want the thundering sound of tinkle to announce to the neighbors what you were really doing, huddled up on the side of your car.

Wouldn’t want the thundering sound of tinkle to announce to the neighbors what you were really doing…

So, here we are. Window down, music playing, and just you and nature. You must have really been surprised, cause that step back from your car still wasn’t enough. You looked like a novice fire fighter playing with a pressure hose for the first time. You peed in your car, on your car, on yourself and in your car some more. But, you didn’t let that slow you down. Three minutes later, you were ready to ride the twenty seven feet to your parking spot and stumble inside. Don’t worry though, the lighting was poor. So, the camera being operated by the private investigator, poised in that row of cars you missed (fifteen feet away) didn’t get too much. But there was a moment…. you remember that? Where I turned on my dome light for just a second and waved as you startled and peed alllllll up inside your car. You did a double take, but the moment passed and all memory of me seemed gone. Now you know, that’s the smell of failure.

With Consternation,

Morse Investigations

p.s. The cops didn’t catch you that night, but we made sure they know who to look for next weekend.  If you need a ride and don’t already have a plan, click here. Did you know that there are even services that will get you and your car to your residence from the bar?  What will they think of next?